when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
