I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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