I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
