he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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