I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
