you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Drake has all the answers
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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