I have demons in me.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
