I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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