apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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