Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
