Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
