We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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