I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
