the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
