if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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