Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
