Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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