It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
