True but thats because hes a fetus.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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