the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
