Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
