So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
