Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
