there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
