he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
