come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
