remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
