And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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