I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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