I got chris browned last night
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
