New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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