He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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