planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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