obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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