Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
