yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
