Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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