my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
