3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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