After last night, I could never be a politician.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
