Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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