Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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