I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
