also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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