I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
