Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
