btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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