After last night, I could never be a politician.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
