you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
