I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
