The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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