Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
