The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
