I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She bit a glass in half.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
