I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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